People ask me this question all of the time. And when they ask I tell them: the correct answer is between 3-5 dates.
I don’t care what anyone else says. The correct answer is 3-5.
That is the industry standard, like waiting two days to call or text someone.
Put your pitchforks down…
I can already hear the angry mob ready to be offended and criticize my answer, so let me explain. When someone asks me how long they should wait, I give them the answer 3-5 dates. That’s my answer based on two different things.
- It’s what I think is the right window (see opinion below)
- It is the industry standard (according to data)
3-5 dates is a reasonable window for sex. It’s not too early, not too late.
That doesn’t mean you have to do it. In fact, “how long should I wait to have sex” isn’t even the right question to ask.
Waiting longer than 3-5 that is PERFECTLY OK but understanding the 3-5 date timeline is important because knowing this will put you in a better position to know how, when and why to communicate.
How to handle this…
Instead of worrying about when to sleep together, my advice is to just make sure that you have a conversation that sets expectations sometime before the fifth date. If a large number of people will expect it or want it before the 5th date, then it is crucial that you openly discuss what your ideal timeline is.
This doesn’t mean shutting down his or her advances for five dates in a row. That’s not communication, that’s rejection, and it stings for everyone. Communication means having an actual conversation.
Both men and women have feelings and both have a desire to be desired. So if you’re not going to adhere to the common timeline (which again, is fine) you need to tell him or her that.
“Listen, I really like you and I don’t want you to think I’m not attracted to you because I’m moving slowly. I just want to take things slowly. I hope you’re ok with that.”
“You are beautiful, and while I’m honestly aching right now, I want to take things slowly with you.”
“I like you a lot. I want to be honest with you that even though I want to tear your clothes off right now, I don’t have sex unless I’m in a relationship.”
Saying things like that makes things clear. Being clear is important.
3-5 dates is ideal. You’ve gone on a few dates together. You obviously like each other enough to go out past the awkward 1st and 2nd dates. Now you’re starting to get comfortable now that you’ve gotten through the basic interview date questions.
Sex, touch and intimacy are important. If you wait too long and the sex sucks, now you’re thinking about compromising or training, neither of which is ideal. You’re better off finding the right person who shares your views on sex.
Sex is part of adult relationships and it can be more or less important to different people. Some people find sex to be one of the only ways they can express intimacy and connection. To others, sex is dirty. To others, sex is only acceptable after marriage because Christ…or something.
The point is, it’s important to understand that everyone has different views on sex. None are inherently wrong, but some people may not match up to your preferences. So obviously there is no “right” answer to this question.
- Less than 3 gives it away too fast, will feel rushed, and leave both parties wondering if they got to know each other well enough.
- More than 5 is ok, but someone might start to feel antsy.
- 6-8 is the slower route but still acceptable.
- After that you’re in the friend zone or you’ve both agreed it should only happen after marriage.
You should find out sooner rather than later, but not too soon. My opinion is that 3-5 is ideal.